New And Improved My A$$

I’m going camping in a week or so. Been a while, over a year due to the unpleasantness a while back. So I was inventorying my camp gear and got to thinking about sleeping bags. This got me to thinking about “improving” products of course.

Many years ago I bought a Cabela’s “Adam and Eve” sleeping bag. This was a good item: It breaks into two single bags, one for warm weather and one for cooler. When the two bags are zipped together it forms a double bag. If you use a decent pad you can put the heavier side down for warm weather and the lighter side down for cold weather. The outer cover and inner liner are both of nylon. The only downside is the outer cover—if you’re not sleeping on the level you tend to slide to the low side of the tent. Not that big a deal but kind of annoying.  My wife and I used this bag for some thirty years to good effect all around.

Thirty years being thirty years, I thought maybe it was time for a new bag. So I got one. It’s kinda like a giant mummy bag. It has a nylon outer cover and a flannel liner. I know this sounds like a good idea, flannel liner’s got to be an improvement, right? All toasty warm and such? Uh, no. Problem is, when you get into this thing, unless you’re nekkie or wearing silk PJs (While camping? Really?) there are issues.

See, I like to sleep in undershorts and a long sleeve t-shirt when camping for several reasons. If I flail around a bit and my arms escape the confines of he bag, I don’t freeze. If I’m called upon to tend to natures needs or fight off a marauding raccoon or bear or something, I don’t have to fiddle around searching for something to wear. Don’t get me wrong, nekkie with a significant other in a sleeping bag is great fun, but at some point practicality must be served.

So. When you try to get into a flannel lined bag, you don’t slide in like on nylon. Oh, no. You have to grab the edge of the bag in death-grip, force your unwilling beyewtocks down into the bag, grunting and cussing. Finally once in and after your partner fights her way into the bag you settle down, toasty warm to a blissful night’s sleep. Oh, no. I toss and turn a bit. I’m side-sleeper and switch sides a few times during the night. This is not optional and I will be switching sides.

So first time I do this, I go to roll over. Nothing. The flannel has me trapped. Oh, no. I’m doin’ this! So I gather myself up, roll over with a mighty heave and flip my wife over the top of me onto the hard, hard ground with a whump. She is not well pleased. Well, I'm pretty sure that, "You &%$# idiot! What the ^%$& are you doing! Don't even think. . . " signifies displeasure though I'm not sure what my parent's marital status had to do with anything. The night continues until un-rested and bedraggled we fight our way out of the sleeping bag prison to glare at one another over coffee.

Now you see, the problem is they have “improved” the sleeping bag. I know how it came to pass, some designer slept on some flannel sheets in a regular bed and was toasty warm and he/she/it thought Yreka! (Yes I know that’s a town in NorCal but haven’t we used eureka enough?) I could line the sleeping bag with flannel! Just like they did in the ‘50’s! Hot Rats! (Apparently the designer is a Zappa fan.) Well, mister designer person/thing, there’s reasons they quit using flannel as sleeping bag liner material in the ‘60s and they’re amply demonstrated above. Foolish mortals!

So, here’s what they should have done: 

• Line the bag with nylon in you slide regardless of what you’re wearing, still toasty warm and still great fun if you and partner are nekkie. If you're not you can roll over without sling-shotting your lovin' partner onto the hard, hard ground. It's an important consideration.  
• Make the outside cover of—no, I know what you’re thinking, not of flannel, not durable enough but cotton canvas is and the whole damn thing doesn’t slide down to the low side of the tent. 

Seriously, am I the only person in the world that can think of this stuff? Why don’t they just call and ask me?

Oh and by the way, talking to the goddam sleeping bag didn’t help at all, It still clutched us in a death grip every time we used it. I think I’ll go back to the ol’ Adam and Eve and give the new one to one of my kids. They don’t fight enough anyway. Fighting builds character.