I Don't Like Spiders and. . . well, snakes are alright mostly.

Some years ago I decided to make a deal with the spiders in my house. You see here in Southwestern Colorado we have these wee gnats. They don't bite or anything but they are small enough they can come through window screens. Then they die in scores in the house, usually under a lamp. Now I'm not grand housekeeper but I do like to keep the obvious random dirt and dead bodies off the floor. So I made a deal with the spiders.

Now for those of you that didn't follow directions and read “Talking to Hammers” first, I'm an Animist. It's my belief that everything is animated, that is, has a soul and is capable of at least rudimentary understanding of communications from other beings. So I made a deal with the spiders.

I went into every room and told them, “Ok. If you guys will stop the juniper gnats coming into the house I'll not molest you. Unless you're in my bed or biting me.

They said, “Whoa. Cool.”

Time passes, seasons change, generations of spiders are born, live, and die. And the goddam gnats are still dead in droves under the lamps.
So, I went to the spiders and I said, “Hey, you guys aren't holding up your end! What are you gonna do about it?”

The spiders said, in multi-part harmony, “Tough shit, sucker.”

So the war was joined. Mostly I used the vacuum. I sucked spiders to their death left and right. Spiders caught in the open were attacked with strategically placed dish towels and snapped into oblivion. It was marginally successful. But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to talk about my new windows. The ones replaced were probably decent windows, maybe with a ten year guarantee but they were brand new in 1988. I've three large windows in the front of the house that measured near 3' x 6'. I noticed a draft coming from that area last winter and found it coming from the top of those windows. Seems the mullions holding them had alternately rotted or dried and split to the point the panes in all three had slid down about an inch. Well, me being redneck-ish I fixed it with about two gallons of silicone and duct tape. But, the writing was on the wall—gonna need new windows.

I called Renewal by Anderson and ordered 'em up. Not cheap. But they're probably the best there is. And they fit into my new parameters for buying stuff: How long will it last? If long enough that I'm either gonna be senile or dead by the time they need replaced, buy 'em. Those windows are nearly installed now complete with 20 year guarantee. They should be all in today. I really like 'em. Unlike those they replaced, there is no London Fog between the panes. The wind doesn't whistle around and through them. It was expensive, but worth it.

And the spiders. Turns out that some 70-90% of spiders living in a house live in the windows. Those windows that provided hearth and home to hundreds of generations of spiders are now in the dump. The new windows lack the nooks, crannies, splits and gaps that provided such lovely accommodation for spiders. The outliers in the corners and niches elsewhere will quickly meet with Mister Dyson. And so it goes.

Morals. There must always be morals.
1. Make sure you are as secure as you think you are before you
    negate a treaty and start a war.
2. New windows are cool. . . in summer and warm in winter.
3. You get what you pay for.
4. This the most important: Be accommodating and forbearing
    but do not allow yourself to have the advantage taken of you.